The Crazy-Messy-Uppy-Downiness

 

 

  

 

This is me. Daily. Sometimes hourly.

I'd kind of like to fast-forward through the next couple of years to the point in time when I'm consistently in a better, more stable mental and emotional state. No? Ok, well if we could just skip my 22nd anniversary that's coming up... (Sorry, can't talk about that yet. Moving on.) or the holidays in entirety then, that would be spectacular. I dread walking into the family parties -- just me and four of my children. Going around the table at Thanksgiving reading our lists of the things we are thankful for and singing traditional Thanksgiving hymns and the Junior Asparagus VeggieTales song. Christmas Eve vespers. Christmas morning... (Sorry, I can't talk about the holidays yet either. Moving on.)

Suffice it to say that I'm looking forward to reaching that place where I no longer wildly swing from tears, to anger, to confusion, to exhaustion, to hope, to disgust, to fear, and back to tears. The urge to blaze past this season straight on through to "I'm over it" is incredibly appealing. 

Maturity in Christ, though, requires the long, hard journey pressing on with Him. On foot. No short cuts. And life is to be lived today. It's only going to be this day, of this month, of this year today and I don't want to miss a wink of it not moving forward. And, since I have to take this road, I want to do it well. I want God to be pleased with how I've grown. Those are the reasons why I'm resolved to stake my flag in maturity and Christlikeness.

That, and the fact that time travel isn't possible. 

I trust God -- I do -- to heal my heart and my children's hearts, to bring good out of this, stability, peace, and redemption, but for now, for today, 

I'm wrestling with the crazy-messy-uppy-downiness.

"Growth requires facing where you're at

so you can go to the next level."

(If you're going to grow in spiritual maturity) 

"You're going to have to learn 

to put your emotions aside."

~Joyce Meyer

Oh, Mama Joyce always tells the hard truths...

Putting emotions aside is an act of dogged, hourly determination. It requires a self-control that I am not yet acquainted with. Being honest with myself, transparent before God, grieving the loss of my marriage and relationship with my son, confronting my own sin, and walking that through with counselors and mentors, and choosing to both openly share my life in community AND not getting stuck in negative emotions... Tricky!

Truthfully, this journey is very hard to write about. I'd rather ignore it and be funny. I don't like to be vulnerable. And, being "open" pseudonymously feels a little ridiculous, except that it's necessary right now. Messy isn't cool. It isn't popular. It isn't welcome in polite society. It often involves the "ugly cry". It isn't together. Being in crisis means you have to lean on others and my flesh just never wants to risk that. 

I'd so much rather:
be the person that helped the messy than be messy. 
share with the needy than be needy.
be there for the upset than be upset. 
comfort the grieved than be grieved. 
visit someone who is suffering than be the one suffering. 
talk the angry person off the emotional ledge than be the angry chick on the ledge. 

Being the type of Christian sister that others can lean on, the kind that is able to walk with others through their messiness with empathy, wisdom and Jesus-focus, requires having first gone through trials and sufferings and come out the other side transformed.

The fact of the matter is that lately, on this journey towards healing... I've needed babysitters. Not for the kids, for me. One of my dearest friends used that term (having needed them herself through her divorce) and it is a perfect word for the kind of friend that is needed. I've needed supervision! from solid Christian sisters more than I ever imagined to be the hands and feet of Jesus, to sit beside me, pray with me, and talk things through. I've needed salty friends to remind me of Scriptures that relate directly to the current struggle. Because my heart and mind have been flinging around all kingdom come, I am so grateful for precious friends who are rooted in the Word and gently point me back to Jesus, to love, to forgiveness, mercy, repentance, trusting God, calming down, pressing on, growing in maturity, practicing self-control. 

Here are some verses I've clung to:

"Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted."

Matt5.4

"Guard your heart with all diligence
for everything you do flows from it."
Prov4.23

"From everlasting to everlasting 
the Lord's love is with those who fear Him & His righteousness with their their children's children."
Ps103.17

"For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, 
your heavenly Father will also forgive you."
Matt6.14

"I pray that out of His glorious riches, He may strengthen you 
with power through His Spirit in your inner being."
Eph3.16

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which 
God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Phil3.14

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, 

and I will give you rest."

Matt11.28

When I grow up, well, when I'm at least a little further down the road from crazy-messy-uppy-downiness, I want to be a babysitter, too.