The Daily U-Turn

REPENT (verb)
1. To feel remorse, contrition, or self-reproach for what one has done or failed to do
2. To be contrite
3. To feel such regret for past conduct as to change one's mind regarding it
4. To make a change for the better as a result of remorse or contrition for one's sins
 

I've been studying this world-rocking little volume called "Repentance -- the Joy-Filled Life" by M. Basilea Schlink. (By the way, a big thank you to my parents for not naming me Basilea.) 

These last four months have brought a tidal wave of awareness of and sorrow over my own sins. I thought it was a super holy act to ask the Lord to reveal my sins... 

Turns out He had been waiting a long time for me to ask. 

Mother Schlink says, "No one is able to change his own hard heart into one that is soft and broken, able to weep over its own sins. This must be accomplished in us by a work of grace which is a gift of God."

And, weep I did and do! The weight of my own grief over my sinfulness that brought so much harm to my family felt like it would cripple me. It was like an elephant had sat on my chest pointing a fat finger at me. Look at what I have done! No wonder our life went so far awry. I wouldn't want to have lived with me during the last few years. I feel sorry for my husband and kids who had put up with my grief, fear, control, panic, suspicion, depression, migraines, sleeplessness, anxiety, and on and on. I didn't even want to be around myself!

I began repenting. Big things, little things, writing them out, talking with godly mentors and friends, going back and sifting through the wreckage of my marriage and family, owning my messiness, really digging deep into sorrow for the ways in which I had hurt or offended God and others and making amends where possible. 

And, you know what? It felt great! Freedom! Joy! A conscience being cleared! Repentance rocks!

But, after a while, in my ultra-holy quest for Christlikeness, contrition, forgiveness and restoration, two little truths started sneaking up on me like a ninja.

I am FULL of Pharisaical pride. 

And sometimes I don't care about my sinfulness one iota. 

You don't have much to repent about (at least nothing really sinful in comparison to - ahem - others) when you are already pretty awesomely godly. Plus, sometimes my sin is justified! Sometimes I don't give a hoot that I hurt another person, or directly disobeyed Scripture, or sinned out loud and proud and on purpose.

Once I started repenting I began to realize the truth that I needed to repent of my unwillingness to truly, deeply repent!

Don't tell anybody else, but I'd been sitting up on my fabulous high horse looking down upon a certain somebody for not caring about his long, long, loooong list of sins (and I mean Big Ones) that I'd been keeping very close track of, and I thought, "Well, at least I feel sorry when I'm wrong and am willing to change. He, clearly, is not. So, obviously, that makes me better than him. Less wrong."

Ooooooh, ugly!

"Anna, you are a (prideful) hypocrite! 

First take the plank out of your own eye, 

and then you will see clearly to remove 

the speck from your brother's eye."

Matthew 7.5

Darn that little ninja of truth! I don't see my own sin. I conveniently ignore it, justify it, am apathetic about it, feel entitled to it, make excuses, and push back on anyone who suggests that just maybe I'm a teensy bit in error. Ever so slightly. Possibly. Might want to put that in the hopper and give it a shake.

"Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper,

but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy."

Proverbs 28.13

Even when I do see my sin, I still don't always feel sorry. I cultivate callousness of heart on purpose. Why? Pride. 

Pride stomps out repentance. If: 
a. I don't even recognize my sinfulness and

b. I'm right and feel justified, or "less" sinful than the next guy
then I am perfectly shielded from ever having to listen to another person's complaints about me, or change, or humble myself, or choose another person over myself.

Mother Schlink says, "Because of our human predisposition, we are apathetic and indifferent towards our sins, much of the time being unaware of them. We weep easily over the difficulties of our lives, over things that have been done to us: our sorrows, griefs, and disappointments. But because it is not natural to our human nature, few of us come to the place of real contrition and repentance. The heart of man has a way of thinking it is always in the right and sees no reason to weep over its own sins. Our human nature is self-righteous and impenitent. We want to blame others rather than ourselves. We even blame God."

Ahhh, yes, blame and self-righteous excuses. Sadly, I am troublesomely acquainted with that nasty duo.

"That person behaved FAR worse than I did, which practically undoes the harm of my actions. Their stuff made my stuff seem puny in comparison. Itty bitty."

"Actually, the problem is, you see, that that person (probably because they're a big, fat sinner) simply doesn't understand! AND probably refuses to understand on purpose (See?! Big, fat sinner.). Besides, it was a misunderstanding! Good grief, it's nothing I'd have to actually repent over or make amends for! Pffff!.. They're over-sensitive anyway..."

The bigger deal I can make over their behavior (misdirection, blaming, and excuses), the less I have to wrestle with and repent over my own. But, Jesus declared war on all excuses. 

"Whenever I realize I have to apologize, 

I suddenly get strong, flu-like symptoms."

~ Patsy Clairmont

So how does God bring us to that willingness of heart, the actual desire to figure out what we've done wrong or are doing wrong?

Suffering.

Distress. Pain. Loss. Trials. War. Decimated relationships. 

"Self-righteousness makes us so blind and deaf that we no longer recognize God's voice speaking to us through... distress. We do not recognize that these judgments are His wooing of us."

In His grace He allows suffering to pound out the hardness and create in us a contrite heart. Over and over. He disciplines us, sometimes severely (like all good daddies do), so that we are humbled and learn to obey. So that we repent. No matter what anyone else has done. We're not going to stand before the Throne with anybody else to shift the unrepented blame upon. Our stuff is ours. Mine sin is mine.

Repentance is the only way to be free. Free to rejoice in being forgiven! At least by God. Hopefully, those I've sinned against will be willing to hear my sorrow and repentance this side of Heaven.

And, that contrition isn't a once-a-year deal. We are actually invited to weep over our sins as a daily pattern. That's an uphill battle against pride, selfishness, excuses, and anything else that gets in the way. Heck, let's be real, it's an up-Everest battle! But, HE is with us in the journey of repentance, living the lifestyle of contrition.

"When I daily ask: 'Lord, give me the grace of repentance, give me a broken heart, enlighten my eyes that I may see the beam in them and realize my own sin against God and men,' He will hear me. He will open my eyes so I can see the depth of my sins, the pain I have caused in others rather than what they have done to me. I will then see things in the light of God's truth rather than in the darkness of the enemy who puts the sins of others before me like a huge screen which blinds my eyes and blocks me from seeing my own sins."

Oh my. Stop focusing on what someone else has done to me because that's one of the Enemy's chief tactics to stop spiritual growth in it's tracks and focus on what I have done to others and to God. My heart is crushed at my excuse-making, my hardness, my raging and grieving at the horrible wrongs done to me with very little deep and penetrating sorrow at the ways I have repeatedly hurt my precious Jesus and those around me. 

I am a sinner.
I am a wretched sinner.
No comparison to any other on the planet.
Just me and my pile of you-know-what to give with great grief over to the God who loves me enough to cover it with the blood of Jesus washing me white as snow.

Amazing.

So, here I am. Beginning again... And determining to be a person who lives in a continual state of repentance. Daily choosing not to compare myself with others in order to somehow contrive a weak excuse for my own sin. Daily bringing my heart before God asking for the truth, the dirty truth about my blind, angry, wounded, impenitent, Pharisaical self. Seeking to unburden myself from that elephant and find the daily JOY of His sweet and free forgiveness.

You can call me Basilea if you want. The name is growing on me.

Repentance rocks.