Good & Mad

My favorite beach and I broke up months ago.

It is a stunning beach. Rocky cliffs, coves, tidepools, long stretches of sand where you can walk almost uninterrupted except by pelicans, gulls, and sea lions.

My family used to play there. We boogie boarded, built sand castles, and played until the cooler of sandwiches, snacks, and drinks was empty, our noses were full of salt water, and our skin sun-kissed. I used to walk there regularly, have my quiet time, talk with God. If a week went by without my feet hitting the sand, my heart would start to ache and beg.

Especially when it was socked in with drizzly fog. I firmly believe that God lives at the beach. And when He rolls that big blanket of fog in, you're on holy ground. Many, many times the Lord and I have had what felt almost like face-to-face interactions on that foggy beach. Times when He drew me close and spoke directly to my heart. Those have been life-changing moments.

But, in these last months, I just couldn't bring myself to go. Too many awful conversations with my estranged husband happened there. Too many times that should and could have been lovely but that turned sour and stomach-twisting. Too many awful conclusions. Too many bad & sad memories have been attached to my absolute favorite place in the world. Even driving down the coast became painful.

But, slowly we've been making up. (Me and the beach, that is.) The first time I parked on the cliff and walked through the scrub brush to the sand I turned right around and hightailed it to Starbucks for a latte and to sit and stew at the thought of my beach for an hour as if it were it's fault. After that it wasn't so hard. I took the kids down for an afternoon and built a sand castle and searched for hermit crabs. A couple times I've gone there and just sat and let the sound of the waves, the briny smell, and the wind remind me of it's former comfort.

Last week, though, the kids and I saw the sunny and gorgeous weather and decided "School schmool" and ditched our reader books & math pages for the beach. Once we got all settled, I watched it coming at us... No, no, no, no, no!

The fog rolled in...

To be honest, I almost bolted. Even though I knew that God was calling me to come close in that old, familiar way, in our old, familiar place.

Finally, I got up and walked for a while. And then began to pray out loud and sing praise to Him. Safe stuff, you know? Thank You for this, concerned about that, help so-and-so with this and that. But, I felt the Lord pushing me back. Kind of egging me on. "Bring it, Anna! Remember, I can take it!" and that brought with it a flood of frustrated tears.

I told God I was mad.

Really, really, really mad.

So the kids wouldn't be alarmed and so that the roar of the waves would cover our conversation, I walked 75 yards down the shore and let God have it. Hot tears, erupted anger, and me yelling at the Creator of the Universe until I was hoarse. 

I am sooooo angry that my marriage is over! I am so angry that You didn't answer my prayers! I am so angry that I've trusted You, and loved You, and leaned into You, and still You allowed this devastation to happen! It's NOT FAIR! Why?! Why didn't You protect us? Why have You turned Your back on me? Why have You left us unprovided for? Why have you allowed me to be left unloved, blamed, and abandoned? WHY?! I am so angry that this is my children's story! I am so angry that this is MY story! I am angry that there is nothing I can do to change it! I am angry that You haven't showed up and changed it! You are BIGGER, God! You are omnipotent! So, WHY?! I'm angry about the lies! I'm angry about the games! I'm angry about the abuse! I'm angry about the chaos and heartbreak! I'm angry that I tried for so, so, so long and it led to this! I'm angry that so many years were wasted! I'm angry that for years my heart has been so wrapped up in the turmoil that I've been zero use for anything else! I'm angry at myself! I'm angry at him! I'm angry at YOU! I'm so angry that I'll never have a 50th anniversary! Or even a 25th! I'm angry that I'm forever alone! I'm angry just thinking about holidays spent alone, birthdays alone, life spent alone! Most of my marriage I felt alone and now I'm looking at a future alone! WHY?! And on and on I went for more than two hours. Yikes.

The kids, praises be, played happily unaware of the throw down. That alone was a major God thing. 

"In your anger do not sin;
Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,
and do not give the devil a foothold."

~Eph4.26-27

What does that mean? Can we not be angry? At sin? At injustice? At this broken, fallen world? We Christians sometimes operate as if being angry is the worst thing that we could be. We get so twisted around being safe and polite in our prayers. We put distance between us and the Lord with our false "reverence" that may actually just be a defense of our personal space. But, open up the Psalms to see what King David's intimate relationship with the King of Kings was like, in times of peace and calm and in the midst of horrific, desperate, and scary circumstances. He didn't mince words. David praised and he plead. He raised his hands and he raised his voice. He bowed low in reverence and he begged for vindication. Fake smiles and tepid prayers aren't the way to have intimacy with God.

Anger isn't sin. Jesus got angry. Does that verse mean that we're supposed to work out any upset feelings in a race with the sunset? No. It means that we bring the entire, raw truth of how we feel before God and trust Him to receive it with grace, forgiveness, understanding, compassion, and the sweetest comfort known to man. It means that we don't let the Enemy turn our anger into our idol -- the only thing we focus on. Our anger put in His hands isn't sin. If we hang on to it and carefully tend to it day in and day out, letting it grow and darken, and plot revenge and wish a plague of boils on the person who intentionally hurt or angered us, we clearly need to let that verse penetrate into our souls, repent, and clean out our hearts before God. (Been there. Done that!)

After my more than two hour rampage, I finally yelled, "Holy Spirit, WHAT do You have to say about this?!? WHAT?! What's Your response?"

And, I looked around and waited. Not a lightning bolt in sight.

You know what settled down around me?


Empathy. Tears. Embrace. Nearness. Comfort. A deeper intimacy.


"Yes, Beloved... I know, sweet baby... I hear you...
I'm angrier about this than you are!"

WOW!


"In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help
From His temple He heard my voice;
My cry came before Him, into His ears.
The earth trembled and quaked and the foundations of the mountains shook;
They trembled because
He was angry.
Smoke rose from His nostrils;
Consuming fire came from His mouth,
Burning coals blazed out of it.
He parted the heavens and came down;
Dark clouds were under His feet.
He mounted the cherubim and flew,
He soared on the wings of the wind.
He made darkness His covering,
His canopy around Him -- the dark rain clouds of the sky.
Out of the brightness of His presence clouds advanced with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
The Lord thundered from Heaven;
The voice of the Most High resounded."
~Ps18.6-

And THAT brought me to my knees with overwhelming love for this astounding God who loves His kids so dearly that He is far angrier about injustice and sin that we could ever be. He is for us. He is with us. He loves me and He loves you.

"And we are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way...
He loves us.
Oh, how He loves us."
~David Crowder Band

So, as of now, I've made up with my beach and am welcoming all future fog. Holy ground. 

Bring it.