A Bad Case of the Coulda/Shoulda/Woulda

What coulda been done differently that I had some say in?.. I shoulda... Maybe things woulda turned out better if only I had... 

It truly is an illusion. And one that has kept me spinning for too long.

Recently, I asked this question of the amazingly-wonderful women in my separation/divorce recovery group.

How does one leave room for a miracle in a broken marriage and yet move on and heal? I feel like I'm failing as a Christ-follower if I don't leave the door open a crack and yet I also feel like that's just hurting myself further. What's right? To shut out all possibility -- even a miracle - or to "move on"? I hate those moments or days when I feel confused and conflicted. Five minutes with someone reminding me of our history is enough to wake me up to the abusive past. Why do I continue to punish myself for every wrong of the past? Why do I keep trying to figure out a way that I can fix what he has assured me over and over will never be fixed? And why does the hope of our life together still haunt me?   

Guilt. Shame. Confusion. Despair. False hope. Grasping. Exhaustion. Coulda/shoulda/woulda.

My husband and I were separated a few years ago. After three months, I just couldn't do it... and insisted we reconcile. I begged. Yep, I am that woman. The one who chases the man who doesn't want her. The one who begs.

Why? I've also been asking the Lord to uncover the hidden reasons that are deeper within my heart, but there are a couple that I'm fully aware of.


1. I come from a large, Christian family with many in Christian service or in the pulpit and separation (much less the Big D) is verboten, so leaving or being left means I am the one who introduced it to our family. Lest you think I'm just being dramatic, this was actually spoken to me by a close family member who said my marital failure would "taint all generations past and future." Mm-hmm, that was several years ago and it still smarts. It still alienates. It still smothers me with guilt and shame. That relationship has yet to be repaired.

2. 'Working it out' seemed to be the sensible and responsible thing to do (as a stay-at-home mother of five without a work history). Plus, I knew that I would continue to work diligently with God on my side of the street to improve our marriage and I prayed that he would do the same. It might get better! We might be healed! Someday. And if not, I told myself, "Plenty of women have endured terrible, painful, abusive marriages. What's another 30-40 years? I can do this."

3. Divorce is permanent... Right?

The truth is, I felt like I was going to die from my marriage, it was so toxic. I woke up nearly every morning for years so disappointed that the Lord hadn't taken me (or better yet, him!) in the night. That's how bad it was. And yet, it wasn't worse than the stigma attached to separation and the inevitable disdain and rejection from the Church and at least a few in the family. How much does that suck?!

So, I spent years trying this thing and that thing, reading every marriage book on the shelves, seeing a dozen counselors, trying every group and Bible study, making all the lists of positives to focus on/ negatives to ignore, praying all the prayers, lighting all the candles, losing all the weight, meeting all the sexual desires, rebooting all the habits, throwing out all the lists, quitting hanging out with friends, eating everything in the fridge, praying harder, working on having better, sexier sex, crying in the closet and begging every way possible.

And yet my mind still gets filled with all the things I coulda done, shoulda done, woulda done that might have made life go differently. Because I didn't want to let go of the hope, or lose my family, or my church, and I was sure there must be something else I could do or not do to make it work.

It's a huge reason why I filed for legal separation instead of divorce. Everything was ready to go, the little box for divorce checked, and I stood there for hours in the most miserable place in the county (the courthouse) in line to file, literally swaying back and forth with nausea, a migraine, and indecision knowing I had to have legal protection and court-ordered financial provision and yet wildly conflicted at the thought of the relationships that would be lost because of it and the permanence of such a decision. It felt like doing so made the entire thing my fault and that I would be solely blamed. That, and knowing deep in my gut that my husband would never make things right, never repair the damage between us, especially after I filed for divorce, made me physically ill.

Then a dear friend texted me "Don't do it! File for legal separation instead and leave the door open for reconciliation" and knocked all the wind out of the divorce sail and I whited out that little box and checked the one for legal separation instead. That's all it took. 

One text.

That's how wobbly I was. And in a lot of ways still am.

(By the way, the precious prayer-warrior friend who texted me was right. I needed to leave that door open a crack. I needed to give my husband another chance to reconcile. Or to do nothing. And to clearly see his choice.) 


But, a new friend from my support group responded to my question in a way that quieted my soul.

"Stop punishing yourself immediately. Stop trying to fix what he is unwilling to let be fixed immediately. It is not your job anymore. It is God's. Also, remember that separation and even divorce isn't the end of all hope! People can always re-marry each other again after legal separation and/or divorce! Reconciliation is always possible. If you want to honor God by leaving the door open a crack for reconciliation, it's not divorce that would prohibit that -- only unfaithfulness... And when the protections that legal separation and divorce can provide are mandatory, you must do that and rest in God's mercy and His sweet grace."

And that stopped my case of coulda/shoulda/woulda mid-spin.

Sister, if you spin like me, stop. Relax. Be at peace. God has your situation in His control. 

"There is now no condemnation 

for those who are in Christ Jesus." 

Romans 8.1

"PEACE I leave with you; 

My peace I give you.

I do not give to you as the world gives.

Do not let your hearts be troubled

and do not be afraid."

John 14.27