Being Made New

Zakale 

is the Swahili word 

for what has been thrown away 

being made new again. 

Beauty for ashes.

The life we had is over, but it's still so fresh that it feels like I'm standing right next to it naked and out of sorts. It's strange and scary to be in this "new normal" when I feel like the former is just right beside me, close enough to touch.

My old life is still so close I can still even hear, taste, and smell it.

Cranberry-orange candles burning. "Our" favorite restaurants, vacation spots, TV shows, bands. Sharing spinach-artichoke dip and negotiating over the last bite. Making cookies together turned into making whoopee in the kitchen. The first time he called me a bad word and slammed the door in my face. In the later years, realizing I became anxious whenever his car drove into the driveway like an angry hurricane was heading in. And yet, there was the way our hands fit together. Perfectly. The years of hurt and alienation and the inability to communicate. Sitting in front of the fire getting our intertwined bare feet toasty, sharing a dram of scotch, and talking about nothing at all. Being side-by-side and yet feeling so alone. Finding a text that split me in half. Discovering betrayals. But also Christmas Eve champagne together with just the tree lights on. And making out in elevators. And wishing he'd look lustfully at me instead of flirting with our size-0 friend with big boobs. 

God, I hate that I was thrown away!

And, yet I know that You are greater than betrayal and abandonment. Bigger than the ashes. You are the God Who makes all things new. 

Waves of grief and crying catch me off guard. Going to places I normally would have gone alone alone, but going this time for the first time really aloooone. (That probably made no sense.) Learning to say "I" instead of "we". I thought we were going to be a "we" and an "us" forever. 

And then there's the stuff you really need a guy for -- heavy boxes, moving things, reaching the platter on the top shelf, cleaning up the gross things (except vomit - He could not deal with barf which was both hilarious and annoying.), investigating scary noises in the dark, that kind of thing. (I'm not even addressing the sex issue because that's a whole post all by itself.)

But, you know what has also been springing up from time to time? JOY that catches me off guard, too. Actual JOY! Like, very clearly Holy Spirit JOY! At unexpected moments. At strange times.

Cruel words spoken -- JOY that I held back a response!

A request for financial support denied -- JOY that I know in my knower that God will provide!

Taking the deep loneliness to God -- JOY in His presence!

Pressing in to uncovering and dealing with my sin & brokenness -- JOY in knowing that the Lord is healing me, strengthening me, being with me!

I started seeing our old marriage counselor again. She is an amazing woman of God who reminds me of a Jewish auntie, all funky jewelry, tender hand-holding, Yiddish commentary, sweet perfume, and wisdom. She's helping me autopsy my marriage, figure out what happened, better understand what my part was, and begin to press through to recovery. It's hard, emotional work. 

But, I don't want to end up being that cranky lady who is still stuck in bitterness over what happened to her 35 years ago. I want to be healthy emotionally, spiritually, and mentally to enjoy life with my children and model pressing into Jesus and moving forward with hope! I'm determined to get there even if it's inch by inch!

Renewal is a process. It is agonizingly long. It requires that we wade through the in-between time with our hurt, fear, and loneliness and have patience for the healing. It means we have to choose to address the bad memories and chocolate coat them in grace. 

It means we slowly lay down the grudges and sufferings and begin to forgive. 

Even the abuse. 

Even the abandonment.

Even the betrayal.

Even the unforgivable acts.

(Sit with that one for a moment... Even the unforgivable acts...)

We must lay those things down before the Lord so that, because our God is the God who makes all things new, JOY has room to spring up when you least expect it.

Zakale.

"Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; 

shall ye not know it? 

I will even make a way in the wilderness, 

and rivers in the desert." 

Isaiah 43.19