I have $19.13

I have $19.13.

$19.13 and a stack of unpaid bills with no clue how they will get paid. My three younger children and I live with my parents. The only belongings I have with me are my clothing, bathroom stuff, a computer, desk, fax machine, books, a few Christmas decorations, and a broken camera. My car has needed serious repairs (as in — it could become inoperable at any time) and two new tires for a year, and I'm almost out of gas. There is not enough food in the fridge and pantry for two days. The milk ran out three days ago. I have been looking for more work for a long time, but no one is chomping at the bit to hire someone who has been a stay-at-home, homeschooling mother of five with a wrist injury that has needed surgery for over a year, and without a college degree. We just keep falling further and further below the poverty line.

It is a daily battle to not freak out. The grasper within me could definitely spin and spin on "What am I going to do?" 24/7.

Standing on a road I didn't plan

Wondering how I got to where I am

I'm trying to hear that still small Voice

I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have You heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have You given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need You

God, I need You now.

~ From "Need You Now" by Plumb

Of course, unlike the issue of relational vulnerability, it is zero surprise to me that I have a deep need for security. It's one of the top needs for all women, especially mothers. It's right up there with the needs for:

• Love
• Physical safety/ protection from danger
• Devotion/ being cared for and valued
• Faithfulness
• Honesty, trustworthiness and openness
• Affection (not sex) as well as sexual intimacy

Nothing can bring a real sense

of security into the home

except true love.

~ Billy Graham

Heck, it's right up there with the need for oxygen and food!

Given that, I was shocked when God asked me this question…

"What do you spend more time dwelling on, Anna

— your lack of security and provision, or Me?"

Those who cling to worthless idols

turn away from God's love for them. — Jonah 2:8

Whatever I focus on grows. Whatever I study, nurture and dwell on develops within me. Do I want that to be fear? Anger? Disappointment? Do I want to get swallowed up by injustice? Eaten alive by bitterness, hard-heartedness, and self-righteousness? NO!

I've committed to being a daily repenter and a fierce prayer warrior. I’ve committed to being a second-chance-grace person, someone whose last answer is always forgiveness and grace. Forgive, pray, bless. No excuses. No exceptions.

I want my focus to be radical trust in God. I want the fruits of the spirit to grow within me. Love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Hope. Forgiveness. Thankfulness. Humility. Mercy. Grace. Joy. I want those fruits to be manifest in pouring out love upon others. Sharing the Gospel. Others-focus. Service. Compassion. Reckless, obedient giving.

One story I love about courageous faith is Elijah and the widow at Zarephath. She’d gotten down to only enough flour and oil to make one small meal for herself and her son before they would starve. But, God sent Elijah to her after he’d been hiding in the Kerith Ravine miraculously fed meat and bread by ravens morning and evening. She and her son were saved by her incredible faith and obedience to first make a meal for Elijah, and believe that God would provide for them. (1 Kings 17:7-16)

Here is the ultimate question that everyone has to wrestle with:

Do I trust that God is good?

It’s interesting that that question assumes that if something bad happens, it's His fault, His choice, He did it, which of course isn’t true at all! Some things are the result of our own sin and the natural consequences that follow. Some things are done to us because there is sin in the world. In neither of those situations did God do the bad thing! Once we figure that out we have to struggle with the problem of God allowing evil to occur foreknowing the exact ways He planned to cause all of it to work together for good (Romans 8:28).

Fear is simply not relying upon His goodness and mercy. The desire to somehow control my circumstances isn’t trusting His sovereignty. Under that foundational, core-of-my-being need for security is a desperate cry for the safety of love, not temporal love because all of mankind (men & women) is sinful and selfish, but God's safe, sure, unrelenting Love.

That Love never abandons. Ever.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. — Deuteronomy 31:6

So, do I trust God and believe in His goodness and His love when we have no milk for several days?

When there is no gas in the car?

When my children's shoes have holes?

When the 30th application for a job goes unanswered?

Or the 40th?

Do I have the chutzpa to fully trust God absolutely no matter what? No holds barred. Even if nothing ever gets any better?

Can I live a life truly full of Holy Spirit joy in the face of absolute uncertainty?

Can I set aside worry and humbly give God the sacrifice of heartfelt praise for His tender mercies?

Do I have the fortitude to proclaim "Yes" to whatever unknown is before me and trust that God is holding me, His beloved, safely with His righteous right Hand?

Am I brave enough to fight fear with the spiritual weapon of a thankful heart, mind and mouth?

Am I audacious enough to be grateful for our daily bread letting tomorrow's needs be put off until tomorrow?

"The seeds of depression cannot take root in a grateful heart." — Jones, in Andy Andrews' The Noticer

Today:

I have $19.13 which is more than $0.

We have a roof over our heads and live-in encouragement.

We have clothes to wear.

There is a little bit of gas in my car, she keeps running, and the tires, like the Israelite's shoes that didn't wear out for 40 years (Deuteronomy 8:4), have made it way, way longer than they have any right to!

There is food for right now in the fridge and the pantry.

I get daily kisses and snuggles from three of my kids.

I have friends to call on for support and who’ve got my six.

I have prayer warriors who do battle on my behalf as I have the privilege to do for them.

I have a great, big God who sees our every need, and He is the God who loves beyond my ability to comprehend.

I wish sometimes that I didn't live in a state of constant desperation for God's immediate intervention, until I realize — wait — that's the very best place to be.

Desperate need is the birthplace of abundance. God does some of His best work in the direst of circumstances. Desperation is a breeding ground for miracles! It’s also the school of humility, repentance, compassion, empathy, prayerfulness, submission, will-lessness, others-centeredness, a grateful heart, and laying down the Me-Monster of "my way". Desperation is the genesis of spiritual growth and maturity.

So, I say yes. Yes, with deep thankfulness for His mercy, His salvation, His grace upon grace upon grace. And, it is going to be ok. Way more than ok. He's the God who turned five loaves of bread and two fish into food enough for five thousand, plus twelve baskets full left over (Matthew 14:13-20). He’s the God who turned two servings left of oil & flour for bread into food enough for three in a time of severe famine.

Who knows what unimaginable things He can do with $19.13?

It's from the deepest wounds that beauty finds a place to bloom,

and you will see before the end

that every broken piece is gathered

in the heart of Jesus and what's lost

will be found again.

~ From “Nothing Is Wasted” by Jason Gray

God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need Him. We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom, courageous in seastorm and earthquake, before the rush and roar of oceans, the tremors that shift mountains. Jacob-wrestling God fights for us, God-of-Angel-Armies protects us. River fountains splash joy, cooling God's city, this sacred haunt of the Most High. God lives here, the streets are safe, God at your service from the crack of dawn. Godless nations rant and rave, kings and kingdoms threaten, but Earth does anything He says, Jacob-wrestling God fights for us, God-of-Angel-Armies protects us. — Psalm 46:1-7 The Message