Until Death Do Us Part

Almost without fail, people who hear that my husband and I separated are immediately shocked, sad, very loving, and then they give some version of the same response...

"You'll find love again."

"Someday you'll find a man to spend your life with."

"You'll meet someone wonderful sooner than you think."

Dear, amazing, sweet, darling family, friends and strangers,

STOP IT! Just stop.

Love,
Me


It feels like a slug in the gut every time. My life, marriage, and family just shipwrecked like... five minutes ago. I have made a lot of progress in grieving, healing, owning my part, repenting, and forgiving, thank God, but I'm still very much slogging through the wreckage. And will be probably for a long time. It hurts me when you gloss over my current heartbreak straight to some future "happily ever after".

It's kind of like what people say to a woman who has had a miscarriage:

"Oh, honey, don't worry, you'll get pregnant soon."

What?!? 

Where are their heads? The thought of an imagined future pregnancy (which, by the way, is not guaranteed) does not take away the pain of having your hopes and dreams dashed the moment you discovered your sweet, tiny baby's heart stopped beating. The thought of getting pregnant again might feel like a betrayal. It might be scary and painful. And, it could never, ever take away the very real, current suffering of losing a baby.

Moving on with another man wouldn't and couldn't heal my heart, friends. It wouldn't make me forget the loss and heartbreak. It wouldn't make me feel better. 

It would seriously and stupidly complicate my life.

That isn't to say I don't love men. I do. I love the company of men probably more so than women. To be very sexist -- I love their untamable spirit, their innate strength, their energy, the way they think, their sense of adventure, their honor (Ain't nothin' like a man in uniform, baby!), their competitiveness, that most of them can watch Gladiator, or The Patriot, or Braveheart 6,792 times and still love them, all of which is so fantastically different from women. Besides that, they're nice to look at. 

Totally as an aside, men are definitely more beautiful than women in general, don't you think? Yes, there are a lot of stunning women out there, but it's just way easier for men to be handsome without a lot of effort. Think about it, God made most male animals far lovelier than their female counterparts. It's true. Guys are just prettier.

Back on topic, I don't begrudge women who do move on. God bless 'em! I hope the man they fall in love with and marry is someone who can walk through joy and pain, fun and trouble with them in a dazzling partnership and friendship, growing together, sharpening one another, supporting and honoring one another, laughing every day, having delicious and world-rockin' love-making, fighting fair and productively, with truth and trust as foundations, and with God at the center.

One of my dearest friends suffered through the terrible shock of finding out her husband of 25ish years had been cheating for the bulk of those years with many different women. She went through the agony of trying to stay married to an Olympic gold champion liar and bounder until the Lord revealed that he was still being unfaithful. 

She dug in and spent years hard at the emotional work of recovery with the Lord and came out like gold, having chosen forgiveness, and finding peace and joy and a deep, rich relationship with Christ. Then she met a lovely man, a sweet, kind, Jesus-loving, others-centered, servant-hearted man who absolutely adores her and treats her like the queen that she is.  I couldn't be more thrilled and delighted for my precious friend.

But, that's not for me.

I am married. To have and to hold. From this day forward. For better. For worse. For richer. For poorer. In sickness and in health. Until death do us part.

I don't have any intention of not being married. My husband will probably divorce me sooner rather than later. But, even then... 

"The truth is I gave my heart away 

a long time ago. My whole heart. 

And I never really got it back."

Sweet Home Alabama

I am retired.

Not from life. Not from loving and serving those around me. Not from joy. Just from wanting anything other than me and Jesus. 

"Now, to the unmarried and the widows I say: 

It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do."

1 Corinthians 7.8

"I would like you to be free from concern. 

An unmarried (wo)man is concerned 

about the Lord's affairs -- how (s)he can please the Lord."

1 Corinthians 7.32

So, sweet friends who I know only want me to be happy, I love you so very much. 

Now, knock it off.