All You Need Is Love? ... Letter to My Husband

"Do everything in love." 

1 Corinthians 16.14

Here's the thing... I've tried to reconcile with my husband enough times. I've reached out enough. Prayed enough. Cried enough. Laid down my own way enough. Attempted to tear down the walls between us enough. Humbled myself enough. Repented enough. Forgiven enough. Overlooked enough. Brushed off stinging words and behavior enough. Hacked away at my selfishness and pig-headedness enough. Responded in love enough! I've done my part!

Enough!

These self-righteous thoughts roll around in my head. And, it wouldn't take me two minutes to find a fantastically defensive, wonderful girlfriend to blab the latest to in order to hear, "What a jerk! You don't deserve that! You don't have to put up with that!"

And I agree. I don't deserve it! 

Today, I am recovering from some really low, mean behavior, and a scathing email dripping with sarcasm. It would seem like a bad time to write about love. Except that this moment right here is where the rubber meets the road, isn't it? Right when my heart is hurt and my ire is up. Right when my flesh wants to blast back. Right when the perfect, cunning retort is aimed and ready to fling like acid out of my mouth. 

This is my moment.

"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love 

will have the final word." 

~Martin Luther King, Jr.

Mistreatment, abandonment, blaming, verbal attacks, abuse, intimidation, the soul-crushing opposite of love... not what I signed up for. 

But, I was the one who willingly said,

"I, Anna, take you, ____, 

to be my lawfully wedded husband, 

to have and to hold, from this day forward, 

for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, 

in sickness and in health, 

until death do us part."

No one forced me to make those vows. But, hooooo-boy, I did NOT count on it going this way. And, what really fries my bacon is that 

I still don't have any excuse not to be loving!

It is nowhere in the Bible and I. HAVE. LOOKED! Love keeps on loving. 

Love enforces appropriate boundaries. 
Love protects those who cannot protect themselves.
Love corrects someone who is wrong.
Love tries again and again and again.
Love lets people go if that's what they choose.
Love lets consequences happen.
Love gets help when help is needed. (Friends, family, counsellors, pastors, doctors, rehab clinics, whatever is needed. Love even calls the police when necessary.)

Love does not just lay down and take abuse. 

As Elisabeth Klein Corcoran says, "I have said from the beginning and I will say as long as I’ve got a place to say anything that a woman in a marriage who is being treated harshly - verbally abused, spiritually abused, economically abused, physically abused, sexually abused, controlled, manipulated, lied to, living with a spouse’s addiction and its effects – should get help*.  She should not automatically divorce, but she should absolutely not just take it.  And that there is help out there." 

BUT,

 love still loves!

I have a notebook full of thoughts, quotes, poems, Bible verses, and messages about love. And when I crack that baby open, I get hit smack in the face with how bad I am at loving. Truthfully, I am more than a little shy about writing about love when I've been such a spectacular flop at it. But as Patsy Clairmont says, "God uses cracked pots" so I can have hope for my crackpot self and share a few of those scribblings.

First and foremost - 

"God is Love." 

1 John 4.8

So, love is the chief virtue of the Christian and needs to be present in all that I do. If I'm not loving, I'm not representing Jesus.

Love & repentance/forgiveness go together, hand-in-glove. If I'm not repenting (which means turning around 180 degrees/ completely changing direction) and choosing to forgive (even if I feel zero forgiveness), I am not really loving.

There's a HUGE difference between feelings of romantic love and actual love. Love is self-sacrificial no matter how you feel. Love is ACTION. Love costs. Real love has skin in the game. Love gives. And keeps giving. And keeps giving.

"Love is patient.

Love is kind, sweet, gentle, calm.

It does not envy. It doesn't want it all.

It does not strut around with a swelled head.

It does not dishonor others.

It is not self-seeking. It is not always "me first."

It doesn't fly off the handle in anger.

It doesn't relentlessly keep score of wrongs.

Love does not secretly delight in evil.

It rejoices with the truth.

It always protects.

Always trusts in God.

Always hopes and looks for the best.

Always presses on.

Love never fails."

1 Corinthians 13.4-8

Pride is the opposite of love. God actually opposes the proud (James 4.6), so, the things that, in my pride and selfishness, block love -- tension, anxiety, irritation, distraction, all my little go-to gods -- have got to die. Holiness requires repentance, LOVE, and personal change, being rid of pride and mockery, and a true humility of spirit.

God takes the way I treat others personally, so I must be lavish with love, patient, kind, slow to anger, respectful, and listen more than I speak.

So, can you tell I've been getting clobbered about this issue? No matter where I turn, God puts love and what it is supposed to look like right in my face. 

My church is even doing a series called "Relationology" (the study of relationships)! A couple of weeks ago Pastor Kenton Beshore shared a message on marriage and what a covenant relationship means. (Part 2 of the marriage message, preached by Pastor Doug Fields is just as killer. Guys, you might want to buckle up before you listen.) It wrecked me. I totally ugly cried at church... again. 

And then my friend, Beth blogged "Grace Goes Both Ways".

So, last week I wrote a letter to my son  and shared the blood and guts poured into that with you. But, after that, the Lord kept whispering in my ear that my husband deserved the same treatment. 

I wasn't exactly thrilled. So, I just ignored Him. But, then I couldn't sleep.

I asked God, "Do I have to? Is there any way I can get out of this? I mean, he lied, broke promises, ditched me, and treated me terribly in every possible way! I don't want to be loving any more! It's not like it matters to him anyway! 

*I* don't matter to him! He just looks at me like I have two heads and it infuriates him when I'm loving to him! It is degrading to me. Embarrassing. Devastating. Enough! NO! I'm out. I'm just going to be way over here and he can be way over there. I'll be civil, but that's all."

But, God wasn't letting me off the hook.

So, I prayed with my trusted's who were concerned about what the aftermath would look like, I wrote, scratched out my words, grumbled at God here at there, re-wrote, sweated, wrestled with my unwillingness, and finally submitted and finished the letter. 

Then I didn't send it for two more days.

I know... Lame.

Finally, I did send it off. Not envisioning a renewal of vows ceremony. Not obsessively checking my email. Even though I didn't feel like it. Even though he would probably just disdain and mock me. 

Dear _________,

In my pride I have resisted writing this letter. But, I’m doing it anyway not expecting anything from you in return. 

There’s no question that you and I need to be separated for safety and sanity’s sake, but I want you to know that I still choose to love you even if there isn’t an ounce of love for me in return. Not because I want to, not because I’m crazy, not because I’m holier than thou, but because that’s what love does. 

Love loves. 

I want you to hear it from me even though it may not seem like it to you and you may feel like I am your enemy. I am not. I forgive you for the ways you have hurt me and am incredibly grateful for the Lord’s forgiveness for the ways that I’ve hurt and angered you. 

You may still not want to discuss that and that’s ok. But, God is a miracle-worker, He can recreate our marriage and family so that both are healthy, whole, and happy, and I believe that He wants to. As I wrote R, I don’t want you to believe that there isn’t a way back. There is. 

I’m not trying to convince you of anything. I expect nothing. 

I just want you to know that I love you. Even after everything that has happened. No matter what. Past all of your sins and all of mine. 

I choose to love you. End of story. 

It wasn't well received. So, now here I am. Sad. Mad. 

"SEE, God! I told You!" 

"Anna... I asked you to obey. No matter what the result. And you did. I am proud of you."

And, this is my moment.

Here's what I choose (thanks to Mama Joyce): 

I don't care what I feel like, 

I am going to obey God

and DO the right, loving thing!

Fling no acid.

No blasting back.

Repent again for the angry thoughts that boil up when I feel hurt.

Pray for him.

Forgive him with all my heart because forgiving him frees me. And because being loving isn't about him, it's my response to God's forgiveness and love for me.

Thank Jesus for him and for the good God is doing in my heart and in my soul through this.

And ask the Lord to bless him today.

"A new commandment I give you; 

Love one another. 

As I have loved you, so you must 

love one another." 

John 13.34