The Love Shack

Carol: I'm not going to sleep with you. I will never sleep with you. Never, ever. Not ever. 

Melvin: I'm sorry... but, we don't open for the no-sex oaths until 9am. 

Carol: I'm not kidding. 

Melvin: Okay.

Speaking of retirement and no-sex oaths... what's a married-but-now-single girl to do about her normal, God-given desire for... you know...

I'm asking for a friend...

Ok, fine, it's me! Yeah, I'm going there. Let's talk about sex.

As my pastor says, "The enemy wants unmarried people to have sex and married people not to have sex!" That puts me somewhere in limbo-land since I'm married, but separated, not having sex and definitely missing it. 

Are you aware of how many movies and TV shows are romantic? If you want to keep your mind pure, you pretty much have to ban most of what's on the boob tube! Almost nothing is safe. I'm getting tired of watching documentaries about Easter Island, the Monarch butterfly, U2, the Suez canal, or Scottish history.  I'm a love story kind of girl. But, that scene where the man and woman kiss in the pouring rain and then go inside the house stripping clothes off as they go upstairs to make passionate love?..

NOT cool for a woman unhappily celibate.

Most of the time I'm ok and completely in charge of my physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional self, but sometimes to tell you the truth, I'm more than a little afraid of spontaneous combustion. It could happen.

What can I do about that? Well, for starters, I have made an important new rule: No looking at men. Full stop. Scripture says if your eye offends you pluck it out. (Matthew 5.29) Apparently I can look at women only, so my eyes are safe and I don't have to stick a fork in one and yank it out.


I'm thinking about investing in a good pair of horse blinders. Seriously, at the gym when Random Handsome Guy was next to me working out, I silently begged, "Have mercy on me. Please don't take your shirt off. Please don't take your shirt off. Please don't take your shirt off." while singing along with Third Day on my iPhone and exercising with my eyes closed.

And secondly... I don't remember what secondly was now.

"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a (man) lustfully has already committed adultery with (him) in (her) heart."

Matthew 5.28

"I made a covenant with my eyes

not to look lustfully at a young woman."

Job 31.1

The only man I'm morally allowed to make love with is out of the picture and that is just no fair for my lusty little self left over here alone and about to burst into flames. I've had to restrain myself from driving over to my husband's house and attacking him. (It's absurd, but I'm not really kidding here, folks.)

"Yeah-yeah-yeah, you don't love me, you broke my heart, you're happier than ever, you have a new lease on life, blah blah blah... I'm about to die here. Pool table? Garage floor? I don't care. Let's get it on."

Is that sinful thinking? The theological answer is above my pay grade. The pharisaical whispering of condemnation in my head says yes, but I think God says no. It's not sin, but it's definitely unwise. It does me no good.

"Daughters of Jerusalem, 

I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field:

Do not arouse or awaken love 

until it so desires."

Song of Solomon 3.5

Just as an aside, I've watched many women who are separated or divorced -- really good women -- toss out everything they've ever stood for because they were desperately lonely and missed being touched by a man. Ladies, if you're doing that, stop it right now. This is your big sister, Anna, saying without any judgement and with a great deal of love and empathy, "Honey, I get it. I really, really, really understand. But, for your own sake, sweetheart, stop." If you need encouragement in this area, comment or email me. I'd be honored to pray with and for you.

Celibacy is for the birds. And yet, God has me (and maybe you) here on purpose. For a purpose. For my good. Job got that which is why he made that covenant with God. Not because he was a prude, or didn't have desires, or was somehow perfect, but because he knew that that's what was God's best for him.

"The very passage of an impure thought through the mind
leaves pollution behind it."

Barnes' Notes on the Bible

That sounds so stodgy and puritanical, but it's true. 

Let's think about what's really going on... 

Physically. On fire for physical connection (hand holding, hugs, kisses, sexual intimacy) and having no husband to woo with some Barry White and a sheer nighty.

Spiritually. Deeply desiring that spiritual communion, the oneness that God designed and finding the spiritual space for the one I am one with... empty.

Mentally. I used to be able to be a wanton woman for my husband and entertain fantasies about what exactly was going to happen when he got home and the kids were in bed (or not) and now thinking like that is fruitless. 

Emotionally. My heart misses being loved and cared for, connected with another but there's no one there.

Since jumping my husband isn't a wise (or available) option, how can I stay pure in all of those ways for my own good?

Pray! Pray! Pray!

Guard my heart.

Do what's right.

Be in command of my thoughts and emotions. 

Remember, my mind is not in charge of what I do, I am.

Now, I simply don't have those freedoms. My body isn't going to get any action. My spirit is the Lord's alone. Emotionally, I have to rely on the love of friends and family. My mind has to be held captive. Pure thoughts! So, I've made the same covenant as Job. 

This is my no-sex oath.

And I have to get distracted whenever any part of me wanders on over to the Love Shack and remember that the greatest and most satisfying love comes from the Lord.

"For your Maker is your husband 
-- the Lord Almighty is His Name -- 
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; 
He is called the God of all the earth."

Isaiah 54.5