Being Made New

Zakale 

is the Swahili word 

for what has been thrown away 

being made new again. 

Beauty for ashes.

The life we had is over, but it's still so fresh that it feels like I'm standing right next to it naked and out of sorts. It's strange and scary to be in this "new normal" when I feel like the former is just right beside me, close enough to touch.

My old life is still so close I can still even hear, taste, and smell it.

Cranberry-orange candles burning. "Our" favorite restaurants, vacation spots, TV shows, bands. Sharing spinach-artichoke dip and negotiating over the last bite. Making cookies together turned into making whoopee in the kitchen. The first time he called me a bad word and slammed the door in my face. In the later years, realizing I became anxious whenever his car drove into the driveway like an angry hurricane was heading in. And yet, there was the way our hands fit together. Perfectly. The years of hurt and alienation and the inability to communicate. Sitting in front of the fire getting our intertwined bare feet toasty, sharing a dram of scotch, and talking about nothing at all. Being side-by-side and yet feeling so alone. Finding a text that split me in half. Discovering betrayals. But also Christmas Eve champagne together with just the tree lights on. And making out in elevators. And wishing he'd look lustfully at me instead of flirting with our size-0 friend with big boobs. 

God, I hate that I was thrown away!

And, yet I know that You are greater than betrayal and abandonment. Bigger than the ashes. You are the God Who makes all things new. 

Waves of grief and crying catch me off guard. Going to places I normally would have gone alone alone, but going this time for the first time really aloooone. (That probably made no sense.) Learning to say "I" instead of "we". I thought we were going to be a "we" and an "us" forever. 

And then there's the stuff you really need a guy for -- heavy boxes, moving things, reaching the platter on the top shelf, cleaning up the gross things (except vomit - He could not deal with barf which was both hilarious and annoying.), investigating scary noises in the dark, that kind of thing. (I'm not even addressing the sex issue because that's a whole post all by itself.)

But, you know what has also been springing up from time to time? JOY that catches me off guard, too. Actual JOY! Like, very clearly Holy Spirit JOY! At unexpected moments. At strange times.

Cruel words spoken -- JOY that I held back a response!

A request for financial support denied -- JOY that I know in my knower that God will provide!

Taking the deep loneliness to God -- JOY in His presence!

Pressing in to uncovering and dealing with my sin & brokenness -- JOY in knowing that the Lord is healing me, strengthening me, being with me!

I started seeing our old marriage counselor again. She is an amazing woman of God who reminds me of a Jewish auntie, all funky jewelry, tender hand-holding, Yiddish commentary, sweet perfume, and wisdom. She's helping me autopsy my marriage, figure out what happened, better understand what my part was, and begin to press through to recovery. It's hard, emotional work. 

But, I don't want to end up being that cranky lady who is still stuck in bitterness over what happened to her 35 years ago. I want to be healthy emotionally, spiritually, and mentally to enjoy life with my children and model pressing into Jesus and moving forward with hope! I'm determined to get there even if it's inch by inch!

Renewal is a process. It is agonizingly long. It requires that we wade through the in-between time with our hurt, fear, and loneliness and have patience for the healing. It means we have to choose to address the bad memories and chocolate coat them in grace. 

It means we slowly lay down the grudges and sufferings and begin to forgive. 

Even the abuse. 

Even the abandonment.

Even the betrayal.

Even the unforgivable acts.

(Sit with that one for a moment... Even the unforgivable acts...)

We must lay those things down before the Lord so that, because our God is the God who makes all things new, JOY has room to spring up when you least expect it.

Zakale.

"Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; 

shall ye not know it? 

I will even make a way in the wilderness, 

and rivers in the desert." 

Isaiah 43.19

A Bad Case of the Coulda/Shoulda/Woulda

What coulda been done differently that I had some say in?.. I shoulda... Maybe things woulda turned out better if only I had... 

It truly is an illusion. And one that has kept me spinning for too long.

Recently, I asked this question of the amazingly-wonderful women in my separation/divorce recovery group.

How does one leave room for a miracle in a broken marriage and yet move on and heal? I feel like I'm failing as a Christ-follower if I don't leave the door open a crack and yet I also feel like that's just hurting myself further. What's right? To shut out all possibility -- even a miracle - or to "move on"? I hate those moments or days when I feel confused and conflicted. Five minutes with someone reminding me of our history is enough to wake me up to the abusive past. Why do I continue to punish myself for every wrong of the past? Why do I keep trying to figure out a way that I can fix what he has assured me over and over will never be fixed? And why does the hope of our life together still haunt me?   

Guilt. Shame. Confusion. Despair. False hope. Grasping. Exhaustion. Coulda/shoulda/woulda.

My husband and I were separated a few years ago. After three months, I just couldn't do it... and insisted we reconcile. I begged. Yep, I am that woman. The one who chases the man who doesn't want her. The one who begs.

Why? I've also been asking the Lord to uncover the hidden reasons that are deeper within my heart, but there are a couple that I'm fully aware of.


1. I come from a large, Christian family with many in Christian service or in the pulpit and separation (much less the Big D) is verboten, so leaving or being left means I am the one who introduced it to our family. Lest you think I'm just being dramatic, this was actually spoken to me by a close family member who said my marital failure would "taint all generations past and future." Mm-hmm, that was several years ago and it still smarts. It still alienates. It still smothers me with guilt and shame. That relationship has yet to be repaired.

2. 'Working it out' seemed to be the sensible and responsible thing to do (as a stay-at-home mother of five without a work history). Plus, I knew that I would continue to work diligently with God on my side of the street to improve our marriage and I prayed that he would do the same. It might get better! We might be healed! Someday. And if not, I told myself, "Plenty of women have endured terrible, painful, abusive marriages. What's another 30-40 years? I can do this."

3. Divorce is permanent... Right?

The truth is, I felt like I was going to die from my marriage, it was so toxic. I woke up nearly every morning for years so disappointed that the Lord hadn't taken me (or better yet, him!) in the night. That's how bad it was. And yet, it wasn't worse than the stigma attached to separation and the inevitable disdain and rejection from the Church and at least a few in the family. How much does that suck?!

So, I spent years trying this thing and that thing, reading every marriage book on the shelves, seeing a dozen counselors, trying every group and Bible study, making all the lists of positives to focus on/ negatives to ignore, praying all the prayers, lighting all the candles, losing all the weight, meeting all the sexual desires, rebooting all the habits, throwing out all the lists, quitting hanging out with friends, eating everything in the fridge, praying harder, working on having better, sexier sex, crying in the closet and begging every way possible.

And yet my mind still gets filled with all the things I coulda done, shoulda done, woulda done that might have made life go differently. Because I didn't want to let go of the hope, or lose my family, or my church, and I was sure there must be something else I could do or not do to make it work.

It's a huge reason why I filed for legal separation instead of divorce. Everything was ready to go, the little box for divorce checked, and I stood there for hours in the most miserable place in the county (the courthouse) in line to file, literally swaying back and forth with nausea, a migraine, and indecision knowing I had to have legal protection and court-ordered financial provision and yet wildly conflicted at the thought of the relationships that would be lost because of it and the permanence of such a decision. It felt like doing so made the entire thing my fault and that I would be solely blamed. That, and knowing deep in my gut that my husband would never make things right, never repair the damage between us, especially after I filed for divorce, made me physically ill.

Then a dear friend texted me "Don't do it! File for legal separation instead and leave the door open for reconciliation" and knocked all the wind out of the divorce sail and I whited out that little box and checked the one for legal separation instead. That's all it took. 

One text.

That's how wobbly I was. And in a lot of ways still am.

(By the way, the precious prayer-warrior friend who texted me was right. I needed to leave that door open a crack. I needed to give my husband another chance to reconcile. Or to do nothing. And to clearly see his choice.) 


But, a new friend from my support group responded to my question in a way that quieted my soul.

"Stop punishing yourself immediately. Stop trying to fix what he is unwilling to let be fixed immediately. It is not your job anymore. It is God's. Also, remember that separation and even divorce isn't the end of all hope! People can always re-marry each other again after legal separation and/or divorce! Reconciliation is always possible. If you want to honor God by leaving the door open a crack for reconciliation, it's not divorce that would prohibit that -- only unfaithfulness... And when the protections that legal separation and divorce can provide are mandatory, you must do that and rest in God's mercy and His sweet grace."

And that stopped my case of coulda/shoulda/woulda mid-spin.

Sister, if you spin like me, stop. Relax. Be at peace. God has your situation in His control. 

"There is now no condemnation 

for those who are in Christ Jesus." 

Romans 8.1

"PEACE I leave with you; 

My peace I give you.

I do not give to you as the world gives.

Do not let your hearts be troubled

and do not be afraid."

John 14.27

Well, I Declare!

Years ago, my estranged husband proposed to me with the verse

"O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His Name together."
Psalm 34.3

(I'm brewing a post about the beauty of Psalm 34 -- even though it's a song that is infused with loss now -- and the promises in it that I memorized as a kid but hadn't really unpacked until recently. But that's for another day.)

We two glorifying God together, serving God together. We two walking through life together with the Lord as the Center. We two growing in our faith together. That still sounds good to me.

"As for me and my house, 

we will serve the Lord!"

Joshua 24.15

Many years ago, I claimed this as my "life verse", the one that had my name on it. Then when we started having children, I made it our "family verse". Psalm 34.3 and Joshua 24.15 seemed to go well together. 

We seven glorifying God together, serving God together. We seven walking through life together with the Lord as the Center. We seven growing in our faith together. That was my whole life's purpose.

A few years later, I wrote a family declaration, a proclamation of who we as a family are, our tenets if you will. The idea was borrowed, but I am sorry to say that I don't remember to whom the credit is due. 

I didn't realize at the time that it was part of the growing desperation to keep my marriage and family intact as I was in denial that my husband had begun to walk away, or at least had already made the decision. He fought it. He found ways to avoid dinner/Bible devotions. So, I moved the time to breakfast, but then he decided he would just make a health shake every day and go instead of sitting down with us. Pretty quickly, we rarely had a meal with all of us at the table. Even thinking back to that time and the worry that was birthed in me then makes my insides twist.

Anyway, I dusted the list of our family tenets off today and realized something wonderful. 

It's beautiful. It's good. It's brave. What I hoped, and prayed, and pressed, and fought for us to be together as a couple and as a family was a lovely, godly, and worthwhile way to be and to live even though I failed at it.

IN OUR FAMILY, WE…

… honor God.  All of our behavior is measured against this standard.

… have our priorities straight which means that we serve God first, then each other, then others.

… love one another.  That means we treat each other with gentleness and kindness.  We live the Golden Rule.

… value and respect each other’s feelings, wishes, personal property, and boundaries.  We take care to build and maintain lifelong, loving relationships.

… tell the truth no matter what the situation or the consequences.

… work towards excellence in every area of our lives to please and glorify God, even when there is no visible reward.

… value and celebrate each other’s strengths and have grace for and help each other in our weaknesses.

… assume good intentions from each other.

… forgive and forgive and forgive.  We do not return unkindness with unkindness, but exchange it for mercy and love.  We turn the other cheek.

… we work to build a lasting foundation in Jesus Christ to hold fast through life’s storms and disasters.

Looking back, I realize that as soon as my husband and son moved out I immediately began the process of reclaiming this territory, starting with the Golden Rule. Kind words, gentleness, truthfulness, forgiveness, and letting go of strife have been required day in and day out. No more chaos. No more fighting. No more lying. No more really bad stuff! And no more constant anxiety and uptightness. I told everyone, "Starting today, people, we are going to be down-tight!" That's right. It's a word now. Down-tight. It'll catch on.

Digging this out inspired me to be even more intentional about it. So, starting today we're memorizing these again! In a perfect world, my whole family would be seeking God and unity and loving one another together, but it's not a perfect world. My family is broken. As my 6-year-old daughter explained, "Our family was one heart, but now two pieces are missing."

But, that also means that (barring a miracle) I am now the head of my household, and I get to lead it! Even though I have to do it alone, I want to lead well. Lead towards Jesus. Lead towards Love!

"I will wait here. Go and wake the others 

and tell them to follow. 

If they will not, then you at least must 

follow Me alone."

~Aslan

"Train up a child in the way he should go 

and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22.6

Several months ago, I threw a big hissy fit and threw Joshua 24.15 back at God telling Him He could keep it! I didn't even want to open the Word to that page! It hurt too much to have my whole life's purpose be rejected and thrown away.

But, God's been reminding me of the goodness of it. The richness of it. And that I didn't fail. Not by a long shot. Lord willing, I still have years ahead of me to lead my children in those family tenets. Even though I do so alone.

So, I declare our family proclamations. And I declare:

"I will magnify the Lord and exalt His Name!"

because

"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!"

The Crazy-Messy-Uppy-Downiness

 

 

  

 

This is me. Daily. Sometimes hourly.

I'd kind of like to fast-forward through the next couple of years to the point in time when I'm consistently in a better, more stable mental and emotional state. No? Ok, well if we could just skip my 22nd anniversary that's coming up... (Sorry, can't talk about that yet. Moving on.) or the holidays in entirety then, that would be spectacular. I dread walking into the family parties -- just me and four of my children. Going around the table at Thanksgiving reading our lists of the things we are thankful for and singing traditional Thanksgiving hymns and the Junior Asparagus VeggieTales song. Christmas Eve vespers. Christmas morning... (Sorry, I can't talk about the holidays yet either. Moving on.)

Suffice it to say that I'm looking forward to reaching that place where I no longer wildly swing from tears, to anger, to confusion, to exhaustion, to hope, to disgust, to fear, and back to tears. The urge to blaze past this season straight on through to "I'm over it" is incredibly appealing. 

Maturity in Christ, though, requires the long, hard journey pressing on with Him. On foot. No short cuts. And life is to be lived today. It's only going to be this day, of this month, of this year today and I don't want to miss a wink of it not moving forward. And, since I have to take this road, I want to do it well. I want God to be pleased with how I've grown. Those are the reasons why I'm resolved to stake my flag in maturity and Christlikeness.

That, and the fact that time travel isn't possible. 

I trust God -- I do -- to heal my heart and my children's hearts, to bring good out of this, stability, peace, and redemption, but for now, for today, 

I'm wrestling with the crazy-messy-uppy-downiness.

"Growth requires facing where you're at

so you can go to the next level."

(If you're going to grow in spiritual maturity) 

"You're going to have to learn 

to put your emotions aside."

~Joyce Meyer

Oh, Mama Joyce always tells the hard truths...

Putting emotions aside is an act of dogged, hourly determination. It requires a self-control that I am not yet acquainted with. Being honest with myself, transparent before God, grieving the loss of my marriage and relationship with my son, confronting my own sin, and walking that through with counselors and mentors, and choosing to both openly share my life in community AND not getting stuck in negative emotions... Tricky!

Truthfully, this journey is very hard to write about. I'd rather ignore it and be funny. I don't like to be vulnerable. And, being "open" pseudonymously feels a little ridiculous, except that it's necessary right now. Messy isn't cool. It isn't popular. It isn't welcome in polite society. It often involves the "ugly cry". It isn't together. Being in crisis means you have to lean on others and my flesh just never wants to risk that. 

I'd so much rather:
be the person that helped the messy than be messy. 
share with the needy than be needy.
be there for the upset than be upset. 
comfort the grieved than be grieved. 
visit someone who is suffering than be the one suffering. 
talk the angry person off the emotional ledge than be the angry chick on the ledge. 

Being the type of Christian sister that others can lean on, the kind that is able to walk with others through their messiness with empathy, wisdom and Jesus-focus, requires having first gone through trials and sufferings and come out the other side transformed.

The fact of the matter is that lately, on this journey towards healing... I've needed babysitters. Not for the kids, for me. One of my dearest friends used that term (having needed them herself through her divorce) and it is a perfect word for the kind of friend that is needed. I've needed supervision! from solid Christian sisters more than I ever imagined to be the hands and feet of Jesus, to sit beside me, pray with me, and talk things through. I've needed salty friends to remind me of Scriptures that relate directly to the current struggle. Because my heart and mind have been flinging around all kingdom come, I am so grateful for precious friends who are rooted in the Word and gently point me back to Jesus, to love, to forgiveness, mercy, repentance, trusting God, calming down, pressing on, growing in maturity, practicing self-control. 

Here are some verses I've clung to:

"Blessed are those who mourn,

for they will be comforted."

Matt5.4

"Guard your heart with all diligence
for everything you do flows from it."
Prov4.23

"From everlasting to everlasting 
the Lord's love is with those who fear Him & His righteousness with their their children's children."
Ps103.17

"For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, 
your heavenly Father will also forgive you."
Matt6.14

"I pray that out of His glorious riches, He may strengthen you 
with power through His Spirit in your inner being."
Eph3.16

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which 
God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
Phil3.14

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, 

and I will give you rest."

Matt11.28

When I grow up, well, when I'm at least a little further down the road from crazy-messy-uppy-downiness, I want to be a babysitter, too.